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10-15-2011 Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. 09-25-2011 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 09-18-2011 "Be yourself" is about the worst advice you could give some people. 08-28-2011 The best things in life are not things 08-21-2011 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 08-14-2011 Do not regret growing older. It is privilege denied to many. 08-07-2011 Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. 07-31-2011 A sure way to learn is by ignoring good advice. 07-24-2011 Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. 07-17-2011 The perfect time to start something never arrives. 07-10-2011 Judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are. 07-03-2011 Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. 06-19-2011 Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. 06-12-2011 I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script 05-29-2011 Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 05-22-2011 If you're not failing every now and then it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. 05-01-2011 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 04-24-2011 Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down. 04-17-2011 The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out! 04-10-2011 Tradition is a guide and not a jailer. 04-03-2011 Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. 03-27-2011 Nothing deepens character like a firmly balanced dilemma. 03-20-2011 A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 03-13/2011 I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. 03-06-2011 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 02-27-2011 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 02-20-2011 Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 02-13-2011 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 02/06/2011 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 01/30/2011 I totally take back all those times that I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 01/23/2011 One always tends to overpraise a long book because one has got through it. 01/16/2011 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station. 01/09/2011 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 01/02/2011 I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance all day. What a waste! Return to Top 12/19/2010 Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately, it gives way to many tests and it doesn't grade on a curve. 12/12/2010 The heart loves unity. The mind loves diversity. The body settles for flattery. 12/05/2010 If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 11/28/2010 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 11/21/2010 Was learning cursive really necessary? 11/14/2010 Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 11/07/2010 Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 10/31/2010 War does not determine who is right -- only who is left. 10/24/2010 We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it. 10/17/2010 Sooner or later we get what we want, which would be fine if we only knew how to want correctly. 10/10/2010 Our enemies teach us lessons that our admirers never can. 10/03/2010 We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. 09/26/2010 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 09/19/2010 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 09/12/2010 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 09/06/2010 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 08/29/2010 Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. 08/22/2010 American work ethic: busy is good, frantic is excellent, and burnt-out is sublime. 08/15/2010 The bad news is that you are the slave of your past. The good news is that you are the master of your future. 08/08/2010 Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? 08/01/2010 It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 07/25/2010 No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 07/18/2010 Dogs offer you humility. Cats invite it. 07/11/2010 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 07/04/2010 If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 06/27/2010 Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often. 06/20/2010 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 06/13/2010 We spend our first forty years making mistakes, and our next forty years making more mistakes. 06/06/2010 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 05/30/2010 The truth, to the overwhelming majority of mankind, is indistinguishable from a headache. 05/23/2010 Never let a confident person fold your parachute. 05/16/2010 Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 05/09/2010 Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar. 05/02/2010 I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 04/25/2010 The Evening news is when they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 04/04/2010 There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. 03/21/2010 Nothing deepens character like a firmly balanced dilemma. 03/14/2010 I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. 02/18/2010 A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 02/21/2010 Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. 02/14/2010 I always feel better after I wine a little. 02/07/2010 Whoever first said "Hey, man!" was to become the most widely quoted dude in modern times. 01/31/2010 When you're in it uop to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 01/24/2010 The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 01/17/2010 If con is the opposite of pro, then what is opposite of progress? 01/10/2010 Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork. 01/03/2010 Guilt is a little prison that keeps you out of big ones. Return to Top 12/12/2009 There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users'. 11/29/2009 When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye. 11/15/2009 Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 11/08/2009 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 11/01/2009 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 10/25/2009 Always try to be modest and be proud of it! 10/11/2009 Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 09/28/2009 Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. 09/06/2009 Definition of a will: A dead give away. 08/30/2009 If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 08/23/2009 I have become more optimistic and now believe that things could get worse. 08/16/2009 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 08/09/2009 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 08/02/2009 Always expect to be disappointed, and you won't. 07/19/2009 The main trouble with impossibility is that it is never total. 07/12/2009 As I said before, I never repeat myself. 07/05/2009 Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. 06/21/2009 In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. 06/14/2009 Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 06/o7/2009 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 05/31/2009 Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 05/24/2009 My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat. 05/17/2009 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 05/10/2009 Measure a man's success not by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom. 05/03/2009 Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down. 04/19/2009 Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh. 04/12/2009 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. 03/29/2009 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 03/22/2009 Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 03/15/2009 At the end of a day, is there one less day in your life or one more day in your life? 03/08/2009 Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 02/22/2009 Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. 02/15/2009 If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room. 02/08/2009 With leaders we build; with rulers we cope. 02/01/2009 Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 01/25/2009 If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 01/04/2009 Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about dancing in the rain. Return to Top 12/28/2008 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been 12/21/2008 God bless us, every one. 12/14/2008 Clothes make the man; naked people have very little influence on society. 12/07/2008 You don't stop doing things because you're old, you're old because you stop doing things. 11/30/2008 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 11/23/2008 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 11/16/2008 God grant me the ingenuity to escape the things I cannot change, money to change the things I can, and lawyers to know the difference. 11/09/2008 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11/02/2008 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments| 10/26/2008 Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. 10/19/2008 Kilter is rarely noticed until something goes out of it.| 10/12/2008 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10/05/2008 Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 09/21/2008 Every person we meet is both a wonderland and a curriculum. 09/14/2008 The moon and computers remain similarly aloof when confronted with anger. 09/07/2008 One person lies, two people conspire, three incorporate.| 08/31/2008 Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 08/24/2008 I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. 08/17/2008 It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear. 08/10/2008 The only limitation to our realization of tomorrow are our doubts of today 08/03/2008 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 07/27/2008 Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 07/22/2008 The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. 06/22/2008 A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. 06/15/2008 Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? 06/01/2008 Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! 05/25/2008 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 05/18/2008 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 05/11/2008 When you're down in the dumps, incoming advice becomes excruciatingly abundant. 05/04/2008 War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. 04/27/2008 Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. 04/20/2008 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 04/13/2008 Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. 04/06/2008 Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing. 03/30/2008 The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again. 03/23/2008 Any closet is a walk-in if you try hard enough. 03/16/2008 Now I wake me up from bed; I thank the Lord I'm still not dead. The Lord declined my soul to take For reasons which remain opaque. 03/09/2008 The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 03/02/2008 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 02/24/2008 People you have to interrupt so they can see your side of the argument, won't. 02/17/2008 Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 02/10/2008 Being over the hill is much better than being under it! 02/03/2008 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 01/27/2008 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 01/20/2008 A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff. 01/13/2008 A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. 01/06/2008 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Return to Top 12/30/2007 An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. 12/23/2007 God bless us, every one. 12/16/2007 Scrooge no longer hates Christmas now that he's acquired it. 12/09/2007 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. 12/02/2007 More hay, Trigger? 11/25/2007 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 11/18/2007 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 11/11/2007 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population. 11/04/2007 I am. is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 10/28/2007 I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. 10/21/2007 To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. 10/14/2007 Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 10/07/2007 I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy.| 09/30/2007 Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you! 09/23/2007 Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them. 09/16/2007 Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener. 09/09/2007 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 09/02/2007 My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states. 08/19/2007 All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. 08/12/2007 The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent become the identity of the decision maker 08/05/2007 There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone. 07/29/2007 It is never wise to let a piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry. 07/22/2007 Well, at least the war on the environment is going well. 07/15/2007 Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner 07/08/2007 Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there 07/01/2007 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason 06/17/2007 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool 06/09/2007 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 06/02/2007 The efficient person gets the job done right; the effective person gets the right job done. 05/20/2007 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 05/13/2007 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 05/06/2007 Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 04/29/2007 “Technology expands to overflow the time available to explain it.” 04/22/2007 Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down. 04/15/2007 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 04/08/2007 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 04/01/2007 A sure way to learn is by ignoring good advice. 03/18/2007 When wine, women and song become too much for you, stop singing. 03/11/2007 At the end of a day, is there one less day in your life or one more day in your life? 03/04/2007 A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 02/25/2007 The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 02/18/2007 By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. 02/11/2007 A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 02/04/2007 The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young. 01/28/2007 You can't have everything....where would you put it? 01/21/2007 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 01/14/2007 Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 01/07/2007 Pessimists aren't unhappy. They're just not disappointed as often as optimists are. Return to Top 12/31/2006 He who laughs last thinks slowest. 12/24/2006 Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 12/17/2006 If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. 12/03/2006 If the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer, then the middle class must be getting classier. 11/26/2006 Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once! 11/19/2006 A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 11/12/2006 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 11/05/2006 It may be that your primary goal in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10/29/2006 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 10/22/2006 In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes. 10/15/2006 It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now there's shipping and handling, too. 10/08/2006 As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. 10/01/2006 A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. 09/24/2006 A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 09/17/2006 A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 09/10/2006 Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 09/03/2006 It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. 08/27/2006 Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 08/20/2006 Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. 08/13/2006 Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached. 07/16/2006 A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company 07/09/2006 Acupuncture is a jab well done 07/02/2006 You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. 06/25/2006 The larger the city, the shorter the tempers 06/11/2006 Everyone, even vegetarians, can benefit by occasionally eating crow. 06/04/2006 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 05/28/2006 Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long 05/20/2006 If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. 05/13/2006 Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. 05/07/2006 No man is ever completely worthless. He can at least be used as a bad example! 04/30/2006 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 04/23/2006 Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. 04/16/2006 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever-present help in time of need. 04/09/2006 Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 03/26/2006 At the end of a day, is there one less day in your life or one more day in your life? 03/19/2006 Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. 03/12/2006 Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know when to be mute. 03/05/2006 When an error is made, the stupid blame, the conventional cluck, and the awake learn. 02/12/2006 I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. 02/05/2006 To the world, you are one person, but to one person, you can be the world. 01/29/2006 Everyone contributes to society--some by serving as horrible examples. 01/22/2006 Experience comes from what you do; wisdom comes from what you do badly. 01/15/2006 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 01/08/2006 Time is all we have, and most of what we don't have. 01/03/2006 Guilt is a little prison that keeps you out of the big ones. 01/01/2006 Happy are the wantless, whatever they have or lack. Return to Top 12/25/2005 God bless us, every one. 12/18/2005 Scrooge no longer hates Christmas, now that he's acquired it. 12/11/2005 You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape. 12/04/2005 Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 11/27/2005 Procrastinate Now! 11/20/2005 Sooner or later we get what we want, which would be fine if we only knew how to want correctly. 11/13/2005 I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. 11/06/2005 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. 10/23/2005 Kilter is rarely noticed until something goes out of it. 10/16/2005 The heart loves unity. The mind loves diversity. The body settles for flattery. 10/09/2005 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 10/02/2005 Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. 09/25/2005 Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 09/18/2005 Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. 09/11/2005 Never have children, only grandchildren. 09/04/2005 There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about. 08/28/2005 Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 08/21/2005 A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 08/14/2005 Without geometry, life is pointless. 08/07/2005 It is efficient to be patient about several things at once. 07/31/2005 To know who you are, observe what you do. 07/24/2005 Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 07/17/2005 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 06/26/2005 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 0 06/19/2005 If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 06/18/2005 Princeton is a wonderful piece of earth, and at the same time an exceedingly amusing ceremonial backwater of tiny spindle-shanked demigods Albert Einstein (1936) 06/12/2005 We spend our first forty years making mistakes, and our next forty years making more mistakes. 06/05/2005 Just think, In forty years there'll be thousands of old ladies named Chelsea running around with tattoos. 05/29/2005 Sea captains don't like crew cuts. 05/22/2005 Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death 05/15/2005 A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up at least three thousand times the computer memory. 05/08/2005 Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. 05/01/2005 Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down. 04/24/2005 Life isn't about how fast you run or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. 04/17/2005 The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 04/10/2005 He who hesitates is probably right. 04/03/2005 If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 04/02/2005 I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 03/27/2005 Solitude is very sad; too much company, twice as bad! 03/20/2005 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 03/13/2005 At the end of a day, is there one less day in your life or one more day in your life? 03/06/2005 If you want people to think you are wise, agree with them. 02/13/2005 The sum of the intelligence of the planet is constant; the population is growing. 02/06/2005 Leaving a few stones unturned in a marriage or a minefield can be downright healthy. 01/30/2005 Two monologues do not form a dialogue. 01/26/2005 Many who will sit inert before a TV all day will also honk in slow traffic. 01/16/2005 Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 01/09/2005 It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have no choice. 01/02/2005 The New Year is like a perfectly clean new house into which we all stagger with good intentions and muddy boots. Return to Top 12/26/2004 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. 12/19/2004 Truest gifts cannot be wrapped. 12/12/2004 Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year. 12/05/2004 Nice days are more made than had. 11/28/2004 A good friendship, like a good river, comes back together after hitting a rock. 11/21/2004 Taste makes waist. 11/14/2004 When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth . . . remember Algebra. 11/07/2004 Kilter is rarely noticed until something goes out of it. 10/31/2004 It doesn't matter who you vote for, the government always gets in. 10/24/2004 Youth would be an ideal state if only it came a little later in life. 10/17/2004 Some of us quit looking for work the moment we find a job 10/10/2004 Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. 10/03/2004 One of the penalities for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. 09/25/2004 People occasionally stumble upon the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened 09/12/2004 The race may not go to the strong and swift, but that's the way to bet. 09/05/2004 Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 08/29/2004 The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. 08/22/2004 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 08/08/2004 Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. 08/01/2004 Every person we meet is both a wonderland and a curriculum. 07/17/2004 Getting old is like playing dodgeball with your doctor 07/17/2004 The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 07/11/2004 Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. 07/04/2004 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 06/27/2004 How come so many of us got over the hill without getting to the top. 06/20/2004 A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. 06/13/2004 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings. 06/06/2004 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 05/14/2004 Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. 05/07/2004 What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. 05/02/2004 Free choice is everywhere; freedom from consequences is nowhere. 04/25/2004 Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down. 04/18/2004 Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 04/11/2004 If you are one in a million, then there are 3,000 people in China just like you. 04/04/2004 You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 03/21/2004 Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. 03/14/2004 Swallowing angry words is much better than having to eat them. 03/07/2004 Conscience is the inner voice that tells you someone might be looking. 02/29/2004 People who want to share their views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 02/15/2004 There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 02/08/2004 Learn the rules so you'll know how to break them properly. 02/01/2004 Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 01/25/2004 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 01/18/2004 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 01/04/2004 I know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much. Return to Top 12/28/2003 A rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. 12/21/2003 God bless us, every one. 12/14/2003 Consensus usually belongs to the first one who dares to ahem and summarize. 12/07/2003 Indecision is the key to flexibility. 11/30/2003 Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco. 11/23/2003 A sure way to learn is by ignoring good advice. 11/09/2003 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. 11/02/2003 The shallower the brook, the more it babbles. 10/26/2003 Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 10/19/2003 It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 10/11/2003 Our enemies teach us lessons that our admirers never can. 10/02/2003 It's amazing what you can accomplish when you've got no choice. 09/21/2003 The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 09/14/2003 Dogs offer you humility. Cats invite it. 09/07/2003 Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. 08/31/2003 Stumbling blocks make wonderful starting blocks for the next race. 08/24/2003 Why don't you ever see the headline,|Psychic Wins Lottery!"?" 08/17/2003 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 08/10/2003 A sure way to learn is by ignoring good advice. 08/03/2003 If a cat could speak, it probably wouldn't 07/27/2003 Every person we meet is both a wonderland and a curriculum. 07/20/2003 When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. 07/13/2003 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 07/06/2003 I always wanted to be a procrastinator; but I never got around to it. 06/29/2003 What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. 06/22/2003 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 06/14/2003 Indecision is the key to flexibility. 05/11/2003 Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. 05/04/2003 I'd always considered patience one of my virtues, umtil I started using a computer. 04/27/2003 Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down. 04/20/2003 The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 04/13/2003 Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. 04/06/2003 Free choice is everywhere; freedom from consequences is nowhere. 03/30/2003 Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 03/24/2003 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 03/15/2003 People you have to interrupt so that they can see your side of the issue, won't. 03/09/2003 The meek shall inherit the earth--as long as this is really okay and like everybody's done with it and everything. 03/02/2003 Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 02/23/2003 When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 02/16/2003 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 02/09/2003 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 02/02/2003 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 01/26/2003 Many who will sit inert before a TV all day will also honk in slow traffic. 01/19/2003 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 01/12/2003 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 01/05/2003 People will believe anything if you whisper it. Return to Top 12/29/2002 A very happy, prosperous, peaceful and interesting New Year to you all. 12/22/2002 God Bless Us ... Every One! 12/15/2002 Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 12/08/2002 Government is like a baby's alimentary canal: a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. 12/01/2002 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 11/24/2002 Question: What's wrong with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? Answer: I don't know and I don't care. 11/17/2002 Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 11/10/2002 I, the thinnest word in the dictionary, easily slips into most of our thoughts. 11/02/2002 If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 10/27/2002 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10/20/2002 What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves. 10/13/2002 The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. 10/06/2002 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 09/29/2002 A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do. 09/22/2002 Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood. 09/15/2002 To hear is to forget, to see is to remember, to do is to understand. 09/08/2002 Nice days are more made than had. 09/01/2002 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 08/25/2002 Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially when people are looking. 08/18/2002 The bad news is that you are the slave of your past. The good news is that you are the master of your future. 08/11/2002 Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. 08/04/2002 When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. 07/28/2002 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. 07/21/2002 I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. 07/14/2002 Never let a confident person fold your parachute. 07/07/2002 Consequences teach what parents and teachers failed to. 06/30/2002 It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. 06/23/2002 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 05/26/2002 After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. 05/19/2002 Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 05/12/2002 The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. 05/05/2002 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals build the Titanic. 04/28/2002 The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. 04/21/2002 All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. 04/14/2002 Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood. 04/07/2002 If a bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops, what happens at a workstation 03/31/2002 Only drug dealers and software companies call their customers 'users.' 03/24/2002 People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. 03/17/2002 People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 03/02/2002 Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 02/24/2002 Even with all its hassles, life seems to be the best thing they've come up with yet. 02/17/2002 The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish. 02/10/2002 Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? 02/03/2002 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. 01/27/2002 Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 01/20/2002 Well timed silence is the clearest speech. 01/13/2002 Aging has acquired a bad reputation, but it's a wonderful way to stay alive. 01/06/2002 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. Return to Top 12/30/2001 Football combines the two worst things about America: It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 12/26/2001 We see things not as they are, but as we are. 12/23/2001 The Truest gifts cannot be wrapped. 12/16/2001 The heart loves unity. The mind loves diversity. The body settles for flattery. 12/09/2001 You always find something in the last place you look for it. 12/02/2001 When all else fails, read the instructions. 11/25/2001 Intelligent giving and intelligent withholding are alike true charity. 11/18/2001 Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. 11/11/2001 There is nothing so small that it cannot be blown out of proportion. 11/04/2001 We are all born originals - why is it so many of us die copies? 10/28/2001 Nice days are more made than had. 10/21/2001 A welfare state is one that assumes responsibility for the health, happiness, and general well-being of all its citizens except the taxpayers. 10/14/2001 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 10/07/2001 Age is a high price to pay for maturity. 09/30/2001 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good. 09/23/2001 Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech. 09/16/2001 The trouble with being punctual is that no one notices it when you are. 09/09/2001 A closed mouth gathers no feet. 09/02/2001 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 08/19/2001 No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 08/12/2001 Character is like a fence - it cannot be strengthened by whitewash. 08/05/2001 A bore is a person who talks when you wish him to listen. 07/29/2001 Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 07/22/2001 To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible. 07/15/2001 Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep 07/08/2001 Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a good-looking partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. 07/01/2001 You can't make new friends without talking to strangers. 06/24/2001 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 06/16/2001 Misery no longer simply loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 06/09/2001 A picture may be worth a thousand words but it also uses up a thousand times more computer memory. 06/03/2001 Whatever happens, make it look as if you intended it to happen. 05/27/2001 The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door. 05/20/2001 A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else. 05/13/2001 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer. 05/06/2001 A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. 04/29/2001 If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for? 04/22/2001 I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 04/15/2001 The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on. 04/08/2001 How is it that everyone who knows how to solve this country's problems is either driving a cab or cutting hair? 04/01/2001 Businessman's Prayer: God grant me the ingenuity to escape the things I cannot change, money to change the things I can, and lawyers to know the difference. 03/25/2001 Home is any four walls that enclose the right person. 03/11/2001 There are two classes of people: those who divide people into two classes, and those who don't. 02/25/2001 If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 02/18/2001 When you are over the hill, you pick up speed. 02/11/2001 Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you ... when he is in trouble again. 02/04/2001 To know who you are, observe what you do. 01/28/2001 Aging has acquired a bad reputation, but it's a wonderful way to stay alive. 01/21/2001 Some people bring pleasure wherever they go, others, whenever they go. 01/14/2001 There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 01/07/2001 With Capitalism, man exploits man; with Socialism, the reverse occurs Return to Top 12/31/2000 Worry: The interest paid on trouble before it's due. 12/26/2000 In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present. 12/17/2000 It's sad for a girl to reach the age where men consider her charmless; But it's worse for a man to attain the age where the girls consider him harmless 12/10/2000 Not to judge is good judgment 12/03/2000 An optimist laughs to forget...a pessimist forgets to laugh 11/26/2000 To some, marriage is a word; to others, a sentence 11/19/2000 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you 11/12/2000 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance 11/05/2000 Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl 10/29/2000 He who throws mud loses ground 10/22/2000 The problem with being a good sport is that you have to lose to show it 10/15/2000 You're smart to believe only half of what you hear ...Wise is when you know which half. 10/08/2000 The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing ... If you can fake that, you've got it made 10/01/2000 Never look down on someone unless you're going to help them up. 09/24/2000 Those who worry about what others think of them would be surprised at how little they actually do. 09/17/2000 The state of complete health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 09/10/2000 What you seize is what you get 09/03/2000 DOS means never having to live hand to mouse 08/27/2000 In any given set of circumstances, the correct course of action is dictated by subsequent events. 08/06/2000 Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again 07/30/2000 Why are today's rough times always tomorrow's good old days? 07/23/2000 Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right 07/16/2000 We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are 07/09/2000 We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare... Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this isn't true. 07/03/2000 Suppose Masochists Followed the Golden Rule 06/18/2000 Just When You Thought Life's a Bitch, It Has Puppies 06/11/2000 Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler 06/04/2000 The past is a compromise between innumerable former futures 05/28/2000 A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting 05/21/2000 If vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humantarians 05/14/2000 If You're Not The Lead Dog, The Scenery Never Changes 05/06/2000 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak 04/30/2000 Three out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population 04/23/2000 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well 04/16/2000 As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools 04/09/2000 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it 04/02/2000 You can't have everything ... where would you put it? 03/12/2000 You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong - Abraham Lincoln 03/05/2000 Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school 02/27/2000 Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away 02/20/2000 Music is evidence that beauty, mathematics, and time all live in the same neighborhood 02/13/2000 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough conferences are held to discuss it 02/06/2000 We age in years, but we mature in moments 01/30/2000 You can't buy a home any more than you can feel at house 01/23/2000 When an error is made, the stupid blame, the conventional cluck, and the awake learn 01/16/2000 The Good Old Days: When people were respected because of who they were or what they were; not just because they were 01/09/2000 Three out of four Americans make up 75% of the population 01/02/2000 Find a job that you love and you'll never work a day in your life Return to Top 12/26/1999 All in all, I would not have missed this century for anything 12/19/1999 God Bless Us ... Every One! 12/12/1999 I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them 12/05/1999 Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography 11/28/1999 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth 11/21/1999 Success consists of getting up just one more time than you've fallen down 11/14/1999 Free isn't 11/07/1999 Success in marriage is more than finding the right person; it is being the right person 10/31/1999 A good friendship, like a good river, comes back together after hitting a rock 10/24/1999 There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-reviewed system 10/17/1999 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously 10/10/1999 If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 10/03/1999 There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put a marker on the site 09/26/1999 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career 09/19/1999 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation. 09/12/1999 Constants aren't. Variables don't 09/05/1999 Work like you don't meed the money ... Love like you've never been hurt ... Dance like nobody's watching 08/29/1999 Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative 08/22/1999 Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you 08/15/1999 Even if you aren't doing well, do Good 08/08/1999 I think not,' said DesCartes, and promptly disappeared 08/01/1999 He who shouts loudest has the floor 07/25/1999 Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. 07/18/1999 Success lies in achieving the top of the food chain. 07/11/1999 The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time 07/01/1999 Tact is the rare talent of not quite telling the truth 06/01/1999 Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking 05/23/1999 Diplomacy is letting them have it your way 05/16/1999 Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm 05/09/1999 The palest ink is better than the best memory 05/02/1999 Do not wish to be better than you are, but more fully what you are 04/25/1999 Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name. 04/18/1999 Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear 04/11/1999 The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise 04/04/1999 The longer you keep your temper the better it will get. 03/28/1999 In certain trying, urgent, and desparate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer 03/21/1999 Whether you think you can or whether you think you cant', you're right 03/14/1999 Meetings are events where minutes are kept and hours are wasted |