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03/21/1999 "Whether you think you can or whether you think you cant', you're right" 03/28/1999 "In certain trying, urgent, and desparate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer" 04/04/1999 "The longer you keep your temper the better it will get." 04/11/1999 "The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise" 04/18/1999 "Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear" 04/25/1999 "Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name." 05/02/1999 "Do not wish to be better than you are, but more fully what you are" 05/09/1999 "The palest ink is better than the best memory" 05/16/1999 "Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm" 05/23/1999 "Diplomacy is letting them have it your way" 06/01/1999 "Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking" 07/01/1999 "Tact is the rare talent of not quite telling the truth" 07/11/1999 "The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time" 07/18/1999 "Success lies in achieving the top of the food chain." 07/25/1999 "Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone." 08/01/1999 "He who shouts loudest has the floor" 08/08/1999 "'I think not,' said DesCartes, and promptly disappeared" 08/15/1999 "Even if you aren't doing well, do Good" 08/22/1999 "Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you" 08/29/1999 "Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative" 09/05/1999 "Work like you don't meed the money ... Love like you've never been hurt ... Dance like nobody's watching" 09/12/1999 "Constants aren't. Variables don't" 09/19/1999 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation." 09/26/1999 "Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career" 10/03/1999 "There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put a marker on the site" 10/10/1999 "If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." 10/17/1999 "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously" 10/24/1999 "There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-reviewed system" 10/31/1999 "A good friendship, like a good river, comes back together after hitting a rock" 11/07/1999 "Success in marriage is more than finding the right person; it is being the right person" 11/14/1999 "Free isn't" 11/21/1999 "Success consists of getting up just one more time than you've fallen down" 11/28/1999 "The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth" 12/05/1999 "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography" 12/12/1999 "I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them" 12/19/1999 "God Bless Us ... Every One!" 12/26/1999 "All in all, I would not have missed this century for anything" Return to Top 01/02/2000 "Find a job that you love and you'll never work a day in your life" 01/09/2000 "Three out of four Americans make up 75% of the population" 01/16/2000 "The Good Old Days: When people were respected because of who they were or what they were; not just because they were" 01/23/2000 "When an error is made, the stupid blame, the conventional cluck, and the awake learn" 01/30/2000 "You can't buy a home any more than you can feel at house" 02/06/2000 "We age in years, but we mature in moments" 02/13/2000 "Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough conferences are held to discuss it" 02/20/2000 "Music is evidence that beauty, mathematics, and time all live in the same neighborhood" 02/27/2000 "Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away" 03/05/2000 "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school" 03/12/2000 "You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong - Abraham Lincoln" 04/02/2000 "You can't have everything ... where would you put it?" 04/09/2000 "If the shoe fits, get another one just like it" 04/16/2000 "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools" 04/23/2000 "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well" 04/30/2000 "Three out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population" 05/06/2000 "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak" 05/14/2000 "If You're Not The Lead Dog, The Scenery Never Changes" 05/21/2000 "If vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humantarians" 05/28/2000 "A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting" 06/04/2000 "The past is a compromise between innumerable former futures" 06/11/2000 "Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler" 06/18/2000 "Just When You Thought Life's a Bitch, It Has Puppies" 07/03/2000 "Suppose Masochists Followed the Golden Rule" 07/09/2000 "We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare... Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this isn't true." 07/16/2000 "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are" 07/23/2000 "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right" 07/30/2000 "Why are today's rough times always tomorrow's good old days?" 08/06/2000 "Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again" 08/27/2000 "In any given set of circumstances, the correct course of action is dictated by subsequent events." 09/03/2000 "DOS means never having to live hand to mouse" 09/10/2000 "What you seize is what you get" 09/17/2000 "The state of complete health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die." 09/24/2000 "Those who worry about what others think of them would be surprised at how little they actually do." 10/01/2000 "Never look down on someone unless you're going to help them up." 10/08/2000 "The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing ... If you can fake that, you've got it made" 10/15/2000 "You're smart to believe only half of what you hear ...Wise is when you know which half." 10/22/2000 "The problem with being a good sport is that you have to lose to show it" 10/29/2000 "He who throws mud loses ground" 11/05/2000 "Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl" 11/12/2000 "The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance" 11/19/2000 "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you" 11/26/2000 "To some, marriage is a word; to others, a sentence" 12/03/2000 "An optimist laughs to forget...a pessimist forgets to laugh" 12/10/2000 "Not to judge is good judgment" 12/17/2000 "It's sad for a girl to reach the age where men consider her charmless; But it's worse for a man to attain the age where the girls consider him harmless" 12/26/2000 "In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present." 12/31/2000 "Worry: The interest paid on trouble before it's due." Return to Top 01/07/2001 "With Capitalism, man exploits man; with Socialism, the reverse occurs" 01/14/2001 "There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt." 01/21/2001 "Some people bring pleasure wherever they go, others, whenever they go." 01/28/2001 "Aging has acquired a bad reputation, but it's a wonderful way to stay alive." 02/04/2001 "To know who you are, observe what you do." 02/11/2001 "Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you ... when he is in trouble again." 02/18/2001 "When you are over the hill, you pick up speed." 02/25/2001 "If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees." 03/11/2001 "There are two classes of people: those who divide people into two classes, and those who don't." 03/25/2001 "Home is any four walls that enclose the right person." 04/01/2001 "Businessman's Prayer: God grant me the ingenuity to escape the things I cannot change, money to change the things I can, and lawyers to know the difference." 04/08/2001 "How is it that everyone who knows how to solve this country's problems is either driving a cab or cutting hair?" 04/15/2001 "The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on." 04/22/2001 "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." 04/29/2001 "If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?" 05/06/2001 "A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year." 05/13/2001 "A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer." 05/20/2001 "A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else." 05/27/2001 "The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door." 06/03/2001 "Whatever happens, make it look as if you intended it to happen." 06/09/2001 "A picture may be worth a thousand words but it also uses up a thousand times more computer memory." 06/16/2001 "Misery no longer simply loves company. Nowadays it insists on it." 06/24/2001 ""If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you." 07/01/2001 "You can't make new friends without talking to strangers." 07/08/2001 "Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a good-looking partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air." 07/15/2001 "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep" 07/22/2001 "To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible." 07/29/2001 "Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground." 08/05/2001 "A bore is a person who talks when you wish him to listen." 08/12/2001 "Character is like a fence - it cannot be strengthened by whitewash." 08/19/2001 "No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes." 09/02/2001 "If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before." 09/09/2001 "A closed mouth gathers no feet." 09/16/2001 "The trouble with being punctual is that no one notices it when you are." 09/23/2001 "Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech." 09/30/2001 "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good." 10/07/2001 "Age is a high price to pay for maturity." 10/14/2001 "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." 10/21/2001 "A welfare state is one that assumes responsibility for the health, happiness, and general well-being of all its citizens except the taxpayers." 10/28/2001 "Nice days are more made than had." 11/04/2001 "We are all born originals - why is it so many of us die copies?" 11/11/2001 "There is nothing so small that it cannot be blown out of proportion." 11/18/2001 "Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." 11/25/2001 "Intelligent giving and intelligent withholding are alike true charity." 12/02/2001 "When all else fails, read the instructions." 12/09/2001 "You always find something in the last place you look for it." 12/16/2001 "The heart loves unity. The mind loves diversity. The body settles for flattery." 12/23/2001 "The Truest gifts cannot be wrapped." 12/26/2001 "We see things not as they are, but as we are." 12/30/2001 "Football combines the two worst things about America: It is violence punctuated by committee meetings." Return to Top 01/06/2002 "If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done." 01/13/2002 "Aging has acquired a bad reputation, but it's a wonderful way to stay alive." 01/20/2002 "Well timed silence is the clearest speech." 01/27/2002 "Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers." 02/03/2002 "Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on." 02/10/2002 "Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?" 02/17/2002 "The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish." 02/24/2002 "Even with all its hassles, life seems to be the best thing they've come up with yet." 03/02/2002 "Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance." 03/17/2002 "People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first." 03/24/2002 "People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made." 03/31/2002 "Only drug dealers and software companies call their customers 'users.'" 04/07/2002 "If a bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops, what happens at a workstation" 04/14/2002 "Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood." 04/21/2002 "All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income." 04/28/2002 "The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action." 05/05/2002 "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals build the Titanic." 05/12/2002 "The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on." 05/19/2002 "Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." 05/26/2002 "After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself." 06/23/2002 "After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done." 06/30/2002 "It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry." 07/07/2002 "Consequences teach what parents and teachers failed to." 07/14/2002 "Never let a confident person fold your parachute." 07/21/2002 "I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." 07/28/2002 "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic." 08/04/2002 "When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." 08/11/2002 "Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm." 08/18/2002 "The bad news is that you are the slave of your past. The good news is that you are the master of your future." 08/25/2002 "Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially when people are looking." 09/01/2002 "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." 09/08/2002 "Nice days are more made than had." 09/15/2002 "To hear is to forget, to see is to remember, to do is to understand." 09/22/2002 "Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood." 09/29/2002 "A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do." 10/06/2002 "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism." 10/13/2002 "The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools." 10/20/2002 "What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves." 10/27/2002 "All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism." 11/02/2002 "If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." 11/10/2002 "I, the thinnest word in the dictionary, easily slips into most of our thoughts." 11/17/2002 "Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield." 11/24/2002 "Question: What's wrong with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? Answer: I don't know and I don't care." 12/01/2002 "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." 12/08/2002 "Government is like a baby's alimentary canal: a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other." 12/15/2002 "Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance." 12/22/2002 "God Bless Us ... Every One!" 12/29/2002 "A very happy, prosperous, peaceful and interesting New Year to you all." Return to Top 01/05/2003 "People will believe anything if you whisper it." 01/12/2003 "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end." 01/19/2003 "Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving." 01/26/2003 "Many who will sit inert before a TV all day will also honk in slow traffic." 02/02/2003 "Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment." 02/09/2003 "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it." 02/16/2003 "It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others." 02/23/2003 "When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen." 03/02/2003 "Almost anything is easier to get into than out of." 03/09/2003 "The meek shall inherit the earth--as long as this is really okay and like everybody's done with it and everything." 03/15/2003 "People you have to interrupt so that they can see your side of the issue, won't." 03/24/2003 "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." 03/30/2003 "Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." 04/06/2003 "Free choice is everywhere; freedom from consequences is nowhere." 04/13/2003 "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand." 04/20/2003 "The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts." 04/27/2003 "Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down." 05/04/2003 "I'd always considered patience one of my virtues, umtil I started using a computer." 05/11/2003 "Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician." 06/14/2003 "Indecision is the key to flexibility." 06/22/2003 "99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name." 06/29/2003 "What this country needs are more unemployed politicians." 07/06/2003 "I always wanted to be a procrastinator; but I never got around to it." 07/13/2003 "A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn." 07/20/2003 "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." 07/27/2003 "Every person we meet is both a wonderland and a curriculum." 08/03/2003 "If a cat could speak, it probably wouldn't" 08/10/2003 "A sure way to learn is by ignoring good advice." 08/17/2003 "It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." 08/24/2003 "Why don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?" 08/31/2003 "Stumbling blocks make wonderful starting blocks for the next race." 09/07/2003 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." 09/14/2003 "Dogs offer you humility. Cats invite it." 09/21/2003 "The bigger they are, the harder they hit." 10/02/2003 "It's amazing what you can accomplish when you've got no choice." 10/11/2003 "Our enemies teach us lessons that our admirers never can." 10/19/2003 "It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them." 10/26/2003 "Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." 11/02/2003 "The shallower the brook, the more it babbles." 11/09/2003 "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic." 11/23/2003 "A sure way to learn is by ignoring good advice." 11/30/2003 "Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco." 12/07/2003 "Indecision is the key to flexibility." 12/14/2003 "Consensus usually belongs to the first one who dares to ahem and summarize." 12/21/2003 "God bless us, every one." 12/28/2003 "A rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.” Return to Top 01/04/2004 "I know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much." 01/18/2004 "Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." 01/25/2004 "Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." 02/01/2004 "Everyone seems normal until you get to know them." 02/08/2004 "Learn the rules so you'll know how to break them properly." 02/15/2004 "There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness," 02/29/2004 "People who want to share their views with you almost never want you to share yours with them." 03/07/2004 "Conscience is the inner voice that tells you someone might be looking." 03/14/2004 "Swallowing angry words is much better than having to eat them." 03/21/2004 "Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with." 04/04/2004 "You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time." 04/11/2004 "If you are one in a million, then there are 3,000 people in China just like you." 04/18/2004 "Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office." 04/25/2004 "Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down." 05/02/2004 "Free choice is everywhere; freedom from consequences is nowhere." 05/07/2004 "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." 05/14/2004 "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand." 06/06/2004 "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it." 06/13/2004 "If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings," 06/20/2004 "A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." 06/27/2004 "How come so many of us got over the hill without getting to the top." 07/04/2004 "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end." 07/11/2004 "Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine." 07/17/2004 "Getting old is like playing dodgeball with your doctor" 07/17/2004"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers." 08/01/2004 "Every person we meet is both a wonderland and a curriculum." 08/08/2004 "Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall." 08/22/2004 "There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works." 08/29/2004 "The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other." 09/05/2004 "Eat well, stay fit, die anyway." 09/12/2004 "The race may not go to the strong and swift, but that's the way to bet." 09/25/2004 "People occasionally stumble upon the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened" 10/03/2004 "One of the penalities for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." 10/10/2004 "Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one." 10/17/2004 "Some of us quit looking for work the moment we find a job" 10/24/2004 "Youth would be an ideal state if only it came a little later in life." 10/31/2004 "It doesn't matter who you vote for, the government always gets in." 11/07/2004 "Kilter is rarely noticed until something goes out of it." 11/14/2004 "When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth . . . remember Algebra." 11/21/2004 "Taste makes waist." 11/28/2004 "A good friendship, like a good river, comes back together after hitting a rock." 12/05/2004 "Nice days are more made than had." 12/12/2004 "Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year." 12/19/2004 "Truest gifts cannot be wrapped." 12/26/2004 "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." Return to Top 01/02/2005 "The New Year is like a perfectly clean new house into which we all stagger with good intentions and muddy boots." 01/09/2005 "It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have no choice." 01/16/2005 "Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it." 01/26/2005 "Many who will sit inert before a TV all day will also honk in slow traffic." 01/30/2005 "Two monologues do not form a dialogue." 02/06/2005 "Leaving a few stones unturned in a marriage or a minefield can be downright healthy." 02/13/2005 "The sum of the intelligence of the planet is constant; the population is growing." 03/06/2005 "If you want people to think you are wise, agree with them." 03/13/2005 "At the end of a day, is there one less day in your life or one more day in your life?" 03/20/2005 "The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement." 03/27/2005 "Solitude is very sad; too much company, twice as bad!" 04/03/2005 "If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame." 04/10/2005 "He who hesitates is probably right." 04/17/2005 "The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble." 04/24/2005 "Life isn't about how fast you run or how high you climb, but how well you bounce." 05/01/2005 "Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down." 05/08/2005 "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape." 05/15/2005 "A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up at least three thousand times the computer memory." 05/22/2005 "Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death" 05/29/2005 "Sea captains don't like crew cuts." 06/05/2005 "Just think, In forty years there'll be thousands of old ladies named Chelsea running around with tattoos." 06/12/2005 "We spend our first forty years making mistakes, and our next forty years making more mistakes." 06/19/2005 "If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody." 06/26/2005 "People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first." 0 07/17/2005 "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end." 07/24/2005 "Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself." 07/31/2005 "To know who you are, observe what you do." 08/07/2005 "It is efficient to be patient about several things at once." 08/14/2005 "Without geometry, life is pointless." 08/21/2005 "A hangover is the wrath of grapes." 08/28/2005 "Practice safe eating - always use condiments." 09/04/2005 "There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about." 09/11/2005 "Never have children, only grandchildren." 09/18/2005 "Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine." 09/25/2005 "Corduroy pillows are making headlines." 10/02/2005 "Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children." 10/09/2005 "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking." 10/16/2005 "The heart loves unity. The mind loves diversity. The body settles for flattery." 10/23/2005 "Kilter is rarely noticed until something goes out of it." 11/06/2005 "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." 11/13/2005 "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." 11/20/2005 "Sooner or later we get what we want, which would be fine if we only knew how to want correctly." 11/27/2005 "Procrastinate Now!" 12/04/2005 "Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig." 12/11/2005 "You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape." 12/18/2005 "Scrooge no longer hates Christmas, now that he's acquired it." 12/25/2005 "God bless us, every one." Return to Top 01/01/2006 "Happy are the wantless, whatever they have or lack." 01/03/2006 "Guilt is a little prison that keeps you out of the big ones." 01/08/2006 "Time is all we have, and most of what we don't have." 01/15/2005 "A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion." 01/22/2006 "Experience comes from what you do; wisdom comes from what you do badly." 01/29/2006 "Everyone contributes to society--some by serving as horrible examples." 02/05/2006 "To the world, you are one person, but to one person, you can be the world." 02/12/2006 "I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress." 03/05/2006 "When an error is made, the stupid blame, the conventional cluck, and the awake learn." 03/12/2006 "Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know when to be mute." 03/19/2006 "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." 03/26/2006 "At the end of a day, is there one less day in your life or one more day in your life?" 04/02/2005 "I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always." 04/09/2006 "Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor." 04/16/2006 "A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever-present help in time of need. (Senator John Tyler Morgan, 1896) 04/23/2006 "Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic." 04/30/2006 "All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy." 05/07/2006 "No man is ever completely worthless. He can at least be used as a bad example!" 05/13/2006 "Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway." 05/20/2006 "If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle." 05/28/2006 "Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long" 06/04/2006 "The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity." 06/11/2006 "Everyone, even vegetarians, can benefit by occasionally eating crow." 06/18/2005 "Princeton is a wonderful piece of earth, and at the same time an exceedingly amusing ceremonial backwater of tiny spindle-shanked demigods" Albert Einstein (1936) 06/25/2006 "The larger the city, the shorter the tempers" 07/02/2006 "You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there." 07/09/2006 "Acupuncture is a jab well done" 07/16/2006 "A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company" 08/13/2006 "Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached." 08/20/2006 "Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." 08/27/2006 "Never test the depth of the water with both feet." 09/03/2006 "It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot." 09/10/2006 "Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them." 09/17/2006 "A hangover is the wrath of grapes." 09/24/2006 "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother." 10/01/2006 "A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative." 10/08/2006 "As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way." 10/15/2006 "It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now there's shipping and handling, too." 10/22/2006 "In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes." 10/29/2006 "If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." 11/05/2006 "It may be that your primary goal in life is simply to serve as a warning to others." 11/12/2006 "If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague." 11/19/2006 "A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour." 11/26/2006 "Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!" 12/03/2006 "If the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer, then the middle class must be getting classier." 12/17/2006 "If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed." 12/24/2006 "Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses." 12/31/2006 "He who laughs last thinks slowest." Return to Top 01/07/2007 "Pessimists aren't unhappy. They're just not disappointed as often as optimists are." 01/14/2007 "Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?" 01/21/2007 "The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong." 01/28/2007 "You can't have everything....where would you put it?" 02/04/2007 "The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young." 02/11/2007 "A day without sunshine is like, well, night." 02/18/2007 "By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me." 02/25/2007 "The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population." 03/04/2007 "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother." 03/11/2007 "At the end of a day, is there one less day in your life or one more day in your life?" 03/18/2007 "When wine, women and song become too much for you, stop singing." 04/01/2007 "A sure way to learn is by ignoring good advice." 04/08/2007 "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." 04/15/2007 "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day." 04/22/2007 "Living it up usually takes far less time than living it down." 04/29/2007 “Technology expands to overflow the time available to explain it.” 05/06/2007 "Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else." 05/13/2007 "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well." 05/20/2007 "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." 06/02/2007 "The efficient person gets the job done right; the effective person gets the right job done." 06/09/2007 " If the shoe fits, get another one just like it." 06/17/2007 " Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool" 07/01/2007 "Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason" 07/08/2007 "Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" 07/15/2007 "Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner" 07/22/2007 " Well, at least the war on the environment is going well." 07/29/2007 "It is never wise to let a piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry." 08/05/2007 "There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone." 08/12/2007 "The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent become the identity of the decision maker" 08/19/2007 "All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door." 09/02/2007 "My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states." 09/09/2007 "Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks." 09/16/2007 "Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener." 09/23/2007 "Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them." 09/30/2007 "Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!" 10/07/2007 "I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy. " 10/14/2007 "Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up." 10/21/2007 "To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential." 10/28/2007 "I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things." 11/04/2007 "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence? 11/11/2007 "3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population." 11/18/2007 "99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name." 11/25/2007 "42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot." 12/02/2007 "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" 12/09/2007 "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." 12/16/2007 "Scrooge no longer hates Christmas now that he's acquired it." 12/23/2007 "God bless us, every one." 12/30/2007 "An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." 01/06/2008 "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." 01/13/2008 "A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." 01/20/2008 "A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff." 01/27/2008 "Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it." 02/03/2008 "A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart." 02/10/2008 "Being over the hill is much better than being under it!" 02/17/2008 "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." 02/24/2008 "People you have to interrupt so they can see your side of the argument, won't." 03/02/2008 "The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement." 03/09/2008 "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." 03/16/2008 "Now I wake me up from bed; I thank the Lord I'm still not dead. The Lord declined my soul to take For reasons which remain opaque." 03/23/2008 "Any closet is a walk-in if you try hard enough." 03/30/2008 "The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again." 04/06/2008 "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing." 04/13/2008 "Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others." 04/20/2008 "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well." 04/27/2008 "Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever." 05/04/2008 "War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left." |